Oh Ye Of Little Faith.....

Yup, that's me sometimes. People, I am having a rough morning! I got Emily to school a little earlier than usual and her teacher was working the drop off line getting kids out of cars. So instead of handing her off to her I had to try to get Emily to sit with her class in the hallway. Ha She's been doing good with not throwing these little tantrums, but today...well, this just threw her sweet little self for a loop. She was not a happy girl and I (though I didn't lose it) didn't do as well either. It was like a conflict in my head "be harsh and tell her she needs to straighten up and sit down, or...comfort her and be gentle and try to gently encourage her to sit with her class". Well, there's not a lot of time to figure out which is best so it kind of ended up being a combo (confusing? maybe...oops). Haha I laugh now, I was not laughing then. So...by the time I got back to the truck I just wanted to lose it. I HATE feeling like I'm just at a loss, like I don't know what to do anymore. That is just not a good feeling to have as a mommy. I came home frustrated with myself, and frustrated with God for taking so long to answer all these prayers I've been praying. WHY can't my baby girl just feel peace and comfort?! Why can't she have mornings that are at least a little bit better?!  I want Him to take away the fear and confusion and plant instead curiosity and calmness. And in the midst of all of my questions and frustrations I, of course, realize that there have been itty bitty baby steps. Some mornings are a little easier. She's always smiling when we pick her up and talks excitedly about her day (even if did cry all throughout it). She was holding hands (during the fire drill and going back inside from recess) with a little girl that she's talked about since day one. After some negative consequences at home and some talks from mom and dad she was obedient and followed instructions from her teacher. Okay, these are good things, but still a morning like today's just makes it feel like we haven't come very far in almost two weeks now of school. 

So...I came home and prayed some more. I cried out to God to be with my girl. I sought comfort in His Word...I opened up to the book of Psalm(s?) (ch. 55) and my eyes fell on this "Listen to my prayer, O God, do not ignore my plea; hear me and answer me. My thoughts trouble me and I am distraught"...as it continues it feels irrelevant but that first part...exactly what I came home feeling. So then I flipped over and read some more in the New Testament. Then I got out my book "The Power of a Praying Parent" (by Stormie Omartian, and it's a good one) and read the chapter and prayer "Instilling the Desire to Learn" and then the chapter and prayer "Enjoying Freedom from Fear"...both brought me some comfort. That I can pray that her heart desires to know more...yes! Emily loves learning. She loves every aspect of "school stuff"...numbers and math, letters and words and reading, shapes and colors, cutting and coloring. She enjoys music and playing outside. I mean, everything that school is, she already loves! She sat around a couple days ago practicing 5's just because she felt like it. Here is the result of that (yes, she made it for "Daddy H" Lol):

This was my one comfort when she started school, though...that eventually the appeal of all these things would lure her in. :-) So far, it hasn't quite worked. But I can keep praying for her desire to learn, to grow and be something that she wants to feed. 

I can also pray that she is released of her fears. Her fears of new people, big crowds, not having me (or her daddy) right there with her to hold her hand. I know from experience that being shy can be crippling. It tears you up inside. I know how my baby feels. I know how hard it is to let go of that feeling and make yourself do what you have to just to get through a day or a certain experience. It's not fun. It wasn't until I was in my teenage years that I remember making a decision that I wasn't going to let my shyness dictate my life or actions anymore. I am still a naturally shy person. I'm an introvert (mostly). I would rather be at home by myself or my family most of the time that hanging out with other people. But I'm now 31 years old and my baby girl is 5 and just starting out in life. Just now being separated from me. I know that people think I should have pushed her sooner (sent her to preschool, put my foot down more at church with leaving her in Bible classes, etc). Let me tell you, I do NOT regret a thing. I will nurture my kids for as long as I can. Putting her in preschool last year would have been the same experience as putting her in Kindergarten now. I just waited another year to put us all though it. I feel so sorry for her teacher having to deal with her. I do. But I love my girl the way she is. I accept her and don't feel like pushing my kids to be someone they're not or to act in a way that isn't them is necessarily the right way (not for me). Yes, I want her to get past this and make it through the day without crying, while having a good time, and doing what is expected of her. But I wouldn't change how I've treated her so far in her 5 years to have possibly made this an easier transition. I think too often too many people these days expect too much from our children. They. Are. Kids. Let them be kids. Good Lord, we get maybe 5 years with them at home with us (for those who are SAHMs...or dads), then they are in school for 12 years before they leave and are possibly in school for another 4 or more years and they're gone! Let me coddle and indulge in my 5 years of family time if I want to. It's not like I'm this psycho over protective mom who won't let my kids out of my site and that end result is Emily. Madelyn is so different than Emily. I'm betting that Kindergarten is going to be a whole different experience with that girl! Lol 

So after saying all that I was going to add this little part that Stormie says in her book in the "Fear" chapter..."There are times when fear is more than a passing emotion. It can grip a child's heart so strongly and so unreasonably that no actions or words can take it away. When that happens, the child is being harassed by a spirit of fear. And the Bible clearly tells us a spirit of fear does not come from God. It comes from the Enemy of our soul. Parents have the authority and power through Jesus Christ to resist that spirit of fear on their child's behalf. Fear doesn't have power over them. We have power over it. Jesus gave us authority over all the power of the Enemy (Luke 10:19). Don't be deceived into thinking otherwise." Now some of you may not agree with this, but it spoke powerfully to me. It was both a scary thought (to realize that that fear could be of the Enemy i.e. Satan) and a comforting thought (to realize that I have power through Jesus to help her get past that fear through prayer). And so I will pray harder!

I do want to make sure people understand too that I know that some of her behavior is just plain 'ol stubbornness. Some of it is outright defiance. Some of it is just being a strong-willed child. We're definitely addressing these things here at home and working on things from a disciplinary perspective, too. It's still not working great yet (like I said, she's stubborn), which still leads to some sadness and frustration on mine and Michael's part. But here's an example of one of my methods I've come up with: 

These are just three of the things that we're having trouble getting her to do while at school (although the 3rd has been tough at home, too, and we're having to work on it). But after she gets 10 days (they don't have to be consecutively) she'll get a little prize for playing at recess (right now she stands with the teachers or sits on a bench and cries), a medium prize for eating her lunch (and she's no longer allowed to come home and eat her school lunch food like the pudding or her juice box and stuff that we buy just for school...if she wants it, she can eat it there), and the biggest prize and most important thing is to obey and follow instructions given by her teacher. She has had a few times of foot stomping and telling her "no! I don't want to do that!". Um, really? My kid? That is definitely not acceptable behavior. So...we're working on it! And (pats back) I/we have been doing good about following though with rewards or taking those away based on good or bad attitude and behavior.

So...I will keep having faith that God is in control. That my prayers are being heard. And that things will get better!

♥ Family ♥

So, with all of the trauma and drama that has been the start of Kindergarten, we decided to take a little trip to OKC (that's Oklahoma City for those of you who aren't Okies). We thought it would be good for Emily to have some cousin time and take her mind off school for a couple days. Also, it was my lovely sister-in-law's birthday yesterday! When we get together, there is ALWAYS good food, lots of card playing (Pitch is the name of the game...we never really stray from that), and just good 'ol family fun. Oh, and of course mixed with all that fun are all of those moments (memorable, at least) of the CRAZY that surrounds this family (hey, they're my in-laws so shhh). Saturday, we had an appointment to get some pictures taken of the kiddos. Now so far there are only 4 (kids, that is)...but you would think we had a whole slew of them! Most of the time at this photo shoot consisted of the adults making complete fools out of themselves, lots of bribing, and a few crying kids. Oh my, you would think we were in there torturing them! I don't think it helped that the photographer and her "helper" were...a little overwhelming, to say the least. Haha I mean, there's trying to entertain the kids, and then there's just scaring them more that they already are! And they were scared. I think we got like 3 pictures that had Emily in them and she had her arms crossed, head down, and a frown on her face. And yes, we bought some. That will be a memory worth looking back on. Ah...the joys of having SUPER shy kids! 

Let's see...OH! I got my hair did. My AMAZING sister-in-law Anna did a superb job on me. Here are the results :-)

I love the feeling of new hair! Haha I'm poor, so I don't get to do mine often. I mean, my husband makes me blonde. Yes, you read that right. He pulls it through a cap and gets in done! I hate admitting this, but I will...he does a pretty good job. BUT that doesn't mean that having a professional work their magic on my head ain't a goooood feeling.

Now, for a couple more pictures. I LOVE pictures! After the attempted photo shoot, we let the kids have some fun to relieve the stress. These two right here are just best buds already. It's adorable and I love their faces in this pic! My little Madelyn is just such a cut-up and I LOVE HER FACE!!! Lol The nephew is a handsome guy, too ;-)

We all got to go out WITHOUT THE KIDS on Saturday night. Dinner reservations at 8:45? If that's what it takes! We enjoyed some amazing food, delicious wine, and just good family time. It was so relaxing and something we all needed. Here we are, and please...ignore the crazy eyes! Kinda creeps me out but it's what we got. (WHY are my pics always so small on here?!)

We left our Maddie-girl behind in the city. She's getting to spend some one-on-one q-time with her LaLa (what the grand kids call her). I think this may be a first for her...hm (Maddie is her LaLa's shadow when she's around so they'll have a blast). Anyway, Emily and I watched a movie on the way home, and when she got bored with that she did what she does best and that is...photo shoot (of herself, of course)! Here is one that I took of her and her new pride and joy teddy bear, Cory. This is what my oldest stuffed animal (also a teddy bear) is named so it warms my heart that she wanted to name hers the same. *sniff*

 Have I mentioned yet how GORGEOUS I think my girls are? Yeah. I am a proud, proud momma. And btw...Emily did pretty darn good this morning when I took her to school. She slept through the night (yay!), ate a little bit for breakfast (it's the most important meal of the day, right?), and yes she cried but she sat in her chair as I left (normally her teacher has to pry her off me). I'm excited to pick her up and have some fun with my girl! 

Okay, I think I ended up just rambling in this post. But you know what? I'm okay with that! This was about family, and I did talk about family, right? We had a good weekend and that was so needed. Now, even though I have a few hours to myself and would like nothing more than to just sit here...I need to unpack, do dishes that were left over the weekend and then...maybe I will just sit here and do nothing after that. :-) Sounds like a plan to me!  

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"What Do You Want To Be When You Grow Up?" Good Question.....

So I had decided yesterday that on Fridays, my thing is going to be reading through random blogs (always fun and a good way to find new ones to follow), finding a subject that someone has written about and then doing my own spin-off from that. So I was reading through a new blog I'm following (you can check her out here: http://frazzledfran.blogspot.com/ ) and one of her posts made me start thinking (yet again) about what I want to be 'when I grow up'. I mean, come on...I'm a 31 year old SAHM and plan on continuing in this role until all of my kids are in school. I have always had a million interests, but never one that I'm so passionate about that I actually want to pursue it. I've wanted to be a teacher, a nurse, a missionary (which I would still love to do but my dear hubby does not share that dream), a marriage and family therapist, a youth minister, a police officer, a flight attendant (which I was SO close to being...I mean, I was IN and then decided to give that up...BIG regret to this day) and...yeah, I am sure there are more! The one think that has stuck the most and is also one thing that even my husband has said he thought kinda made sense for me (that's big), is becoming a realtor. I am not a salesperson. I have never tried selling Mary Kay, or Scentsy, or Tupperware, or any of those other "do it from home" things...because I hate trying to convince a person to buy something or having to talk in front of people...the thought of holding one of those little parties makes me cringe. But sell a house? Sure...I think I could do it! I LOVE watching all of those shows...you know the ones. House Hunters, My First Place, Property Virgins, yes...LOVE THEM!!! Bring on the marathons! I don't know why exactly this is something that appeals so much to me, but it does. I can remember when, about 12 years ago (my gosh that makes me feel old!), I was teaching at a preschool in Charlotte and one of my little girlies momma's husbands had lost his job and was getting his realtors license (is that what you get?) and even then I was so curious about it and thought "hm...that would be fun to do!". When Michael and I were looking at houses to buy, I loved it! You know how most people get tired of seeing house after house and just get totally burnt out? Not me...I would have been happy just looking, and looking, and....looking some more. Haha The question here is, will I ever actually pursue this? I mean, the market right now is awful (maybe that will change in the next 5 or 6 years...one can hope), I tend to lose interest in these ideas I have (though this one has stuck for awhile), is it really worth taking a chance at it in a town as small as mine (maybe we'll have moved by then). I guess only God knows what will happen! I can only have faith that He, at least, has a plan for me...even when I don't have one for myself.

So those are my ramblings for today. 31 years old and I still can't answer the question "what do you want to be when you grow up"? I DON'T KNOW! It's kind of like I have career ADD. *sigh* I guess with this one...only time will tell. I'll let y'all know what happens in about 6 years, k? Okay.

My HEART is against bullying!

So, as I was dabbling in The Dollhouse today (my favorite group on CM and some of my best cyber and real-life girlfriends ever)...there was a song posted that's sung by a couple of precious girls from YouTube. It touched my heart, and since I wanted to write in here today, and really couldn't think of anything...this opened the door to something that I'm very passionate about! But first, here's the video that inspired this subject.

I really, truly hope and pray that my girls have beautiful souls that just shine for others. I want them to be accepting of all of their peers (doesn't mean they have to be friends), and for them to be non-judgmental, to realize that we are all made different and unique and that really, the world would be pretty darn boring if we were all the same. I think it's important to me to teach my kids that even when we may not "approve" of another person's lifestyle or their choices...we still treat them with kindness and respect and equality. Everyone is free to make their own choices. Not just by this country, but by my God. It is not, nor will it ever be, my place to decide what should be for them (and I'm not saying that I or my kids or anyone else shouldn't have convictions or beliefs or opinions and stand for them). We will each be responsible for our choices. Yes, sometimes we'll have to deal with consequences of those choices from the law, or from the church, or from society...but really, every person will be judged by God at the end of this life. In school, my girls will see people who are labeled as jocks, preps, goths, geeks...there will be those snobby girls that make other girls feel like they are less than they are. There will be loners who immerse themselves in books or writing or music. There will be kids who like to party and drink and smoke pot. There will be goody-goody kids that claim to be (and quite possibly are) Christians, but who heap judgment on others. There will be those who truly are Jesus followers and lead others to Him. I hope that my girls fall somewhere in this group: good kids who know that they are God's children, who can look at anyone and wonder "what is their story?", who, when they see someone who seems lonely or hurt, they make an effort to reach out to them. I want my girls to KNOW who they are and what they stand for. I know the struggles that kids go through these days. It scares the crap outta me. I'm not totally sure yet how I can do my part in molding them to be what I hope for. I have a lot of ideas, but obviously there are no guarantees! I know that my example means a lot. I know that raising them in the love of Christ and His promises and showing them how to feel secure and confident in that will go a long way. Teaching them about self-esteem (a whole different issue), my openness and honesty with them, letting them be individuals and experience growth (sometimes this comes through our own mistakes)...all of these things will play a part. Gosh, there's just so much! This goes so deep. And I think I have gone in all different directions with my thoughts on this! For that I apologize (many interruptions from a certain 3 year old played a part in that). 

Now to get on with my day...all of those FUN things like cleaning, folding laundry, doing dishes, picking up. Oh the life of a mommy and wife! That makes me think of another subject I could write about! See? This writing thing is good for me. As I express my struggles in areas that I battle daily (my ability to keep my home more clean and organized, my marriage, my patience as a mommy, etc) I hope that writing it out and feeling obligated to show growth and change will, well...help me grow and change. So, let me get to it! Enjoy my ramblings and cluttered (like my house) thoughts. Haha They come out the same way as a my home looks....all over the place and just totally unorganized. :-)

Until next time.....

It's just sooo not my thing...

So, I thought I was all computer savy and all and well, I guess I was wrong. I mean, I never thought I was a computer genius or anything, but I can usually get done what I need to get done. This blogging thing has me all kinds of messed up in the head, though! It literally wore me out yesterday. I worked forEVER on my page and do you see the result? I mean, in a way it's totally me...I'm not all about the frills and prettiness and and all that jazz, more like simple and suave (haha), but really?! I want my page to look like everyone else's, with all the little tabs and shiz. I just can't figure it out! Grrr!!! I tried to play around with all this a few months back and just got so frustrated that I forgot about it for, oh...3 or 4 months. BUT, I have ALWAYS loved writing. It's a passion in my heart (on of the few passions I have). I don't have a cute or catchy way with words like so many bloggers these days do. But I do know that I have an incredibly deep and beautiful soul. My thoughts are deep and there have been many times in the past couple of years that as I lay in bed late at night, unable to sleep...I wrote a whole blog post in my head. And yes, I've done this more than once. I've often wished that I had some sort of recording device up there because much of my best comes while laying in the quiet dark of night. Ah well. This is my start. I probably won't make a point to write every day, because I don't always have something to say and I don't want to write just to write. There are certainly things that I won't be sharing because I don't like stepping on toes, and I have so many lovely toes on both sides of many of my thoughts and ideas. Sometimes, though...I might gently nudge some toes. We shall see. Today, I wanted to write, but didn't think I had anything to write about. And like I said...my posts aren't necessarily going to be filled with wit and humor and funny little pictures to go along with my stories (though they sometimes will). Sometimes, like today...I might actually write nothing, just because I feel like writing something. Now, I'm gonna go pretend that I can figure out how to make my page better, while I really just waste time on the computer. Ciao!!!

Back to blogging...

So...it has been such a very long time since I wrote on here! I've thought about it a lot, though. I wish I'd been better about it these past couple of years. I have a lot in my head that I would like to write about. I've toyed with the idea of making an anonymous blog because I have things that I would LOVE to share my opinion on, but have people on both sides of things that could be hurt or offended so I can't do that on here. Lol I don't think I'll ever actually do it...but it's fun to think about!

So...big things in my life. Hm...the absolute biggest right now is that my little Emily girl started Kindergarten yesterday! Anyone who knows me well knows what a struggle this is for me. For one thing, Emily and I are so close and not having her with me all day is killing me. And even though I know they have to grow up...I'm not ready! I'm also completely conflicted about things with public school vs homeschooling, my role in raising her in Christ and my desire to be the biggest influence in her life up until adulthood. I'm scared of the world these days. I am passionate about bullying and the fight against that in schools (if my kids stay in school it may be something that I actively work towards eliminating or at least making better in their schools). Also, I'm so saddened by how many parents these days I hear talking about how anxious they are for their kids to get back in school, for summer to be over with, etc. Really?! I have had so many people tell me "I know it's hard on you now but there will come a time when you can't wait for your kids to go back to school after summer break" or whatever along those lines. I know that I can't predict the future, but I can tell you that no, I actually won't feel that way. My most important God gives roles are to be a wife and mommy. I will take my kids as much as I can get them. I WANT them in my presence as often as I can have them. Staying home with Emily these first 5 years of her life and now being home with Madelyn is SUCH a huge blessing that I have never taken for granted! Maybe part of this is because I was home schooled for much of my life. I always loved and liked my parents (except for a brief time at the beginning of our return to Nigeria, but that's a whole other story)...I know what is was like to grow up and enjoy family time. My sister was and still is my very best friend. Anyway, I want my kiddos to feel this way, too, and I know that contrary to popular belief...it is possible ;-) Now, please know that I AM NOT bashing anyone for how THEY feel. Yes, I think it's sad that parents don't treasure every moment they have with their kids, because they DO grow up so fast! BUT I know that life is busy in this day and age. I get it. I just think (some) people have lost sight of our role as parents and what all that entails. I want to be the main person raising my kids...not the school system, or the church Bible school teachers, etc. I want to be the greatest influence in my kid's lives...not their friends, or teachers, or TV, or their Bible school teachers. And when they're in school 7 hours a day, 5 days a week, for about 8 months a year, and then you add all the other activities and busyness of life...it just doesn't feel like there's enough left for ME. And that breaks my heart. So all of this has been weighing heavily on my heart lately. And since I've wanted to start writing again, this was a pretty darn good way to start! I may make posts sometimes that some of my dear friends find offensive. For that I'll go ahead and apologize. Haha I will try to stay away from anything too controversial, though. But I will also, as I always have with my writing, spill my heart and you will all get to see inside of me. You can enjoy it or not. Your choice! Oh, and I do have to add that my Emily has a wonderful teacher that I feel is going to be a blessing to her in her first year of school! Despite all of my mixed feelings about it all, I believe that Emily is where she's supposed to be right now. God will guide her through the year and I pray that she is able to be a good influence and blessing to her teachers and classmates. :-)

Madelyn and I plan on enjoying our time together, too. :-) And we will get our Emily with big 'ol smiles at the end of every day!

It's good to be back. Even if no one reads this...it was good to write it. I am back to doing something that I LOVE! Yay! ♥♥♥

I'll end with a picture of my big girl on her first day of school yesterday :-)

Hmmm

Nope, that didn't work...is this it?

Color

Maybe I have this set to the color I want. So without picking one, let's see...

Wowza!

So...I haven't written in here in TWO years!!! I would really like to write more, so I think I'll come back. Not right this minute, though. I just wanted to re-commit myself! Haha Also, I can't find the usual pink color that I use...I hate this! Anyway, I'll be back around (I hope). I doubt ANYone will read this! Oh, well. I want to do this for myself anyway. Be back soon...